intentions realized

About this time last year, I felt like I needed to start focusing back on releasing negative emotions. I mean, I try not to harbor them or hold on to them, but sometimes it takes effort to work those emotions out.

I consulted with Dr. Silberstein from BeatCancer one day in the middle of cancer treatment. I was looking for lifestyle changes to help reduce my cancer recurrence risk. She recommended I get rid of my microwave (I did) and eat plants (I started slowly) and drink a special green tea (I tried). Then she asked me a question I thought unusual. She asked me what was going on in my life 8-10 years ago. I didn’t have to even think about it. I blurted out that I was entrenched in grief from my then husband’s affair which resulted in a child and subsequent divorce. She just made that muffed ‘hhmm. uh huh’ noise. That noise told me she wasn’t surprised to hear of my emotional trauma. She commented that out of the thousands of cancer patients she has counseled, the majority of those with breast cancer carry emotional trauma as it relates to men, their mothers or their children. I was floored. My intuitive reflexologist later went on to introduce me to 

Dr. Hamer, a German physician who experienced testicular cancer 3 months after the tragic death of his son. According to his website, “In time, after extensive research of thousands of patients, Dr. Hamer was finally able to conclude that disease is only brought about by a shock for which we are totally unprepared. This last point is very important. If we can in any way be prepared for the shocking event, we will not become ill. In fact, Dr. Hamer does not like to say ‘cancer’. Rather, it is a special biological response to an unusual situation, and when the ‘shock’ situation is resolved, the body sets about returning to normality. This is a very simplified account, of course.” Dr. Hamer goes on to reveal specifics as it relates to Breast Cancer. As in which relationship traumas affect which breast. It’s super fascinating and I encourage you to click the link above.

Anyway, as part of my wellness and recurrence prevention protocol, I work on releasing negative emotions. They come and go and it is a continual process. I felt like I had forgiven my ex-husband years ago, but the idea of running into him somewhere caused me great anxiety; telling me maybe I wasn’t embracing my past as well as I should. Actually, the last time I saw him was just a few weeks before my diagnosis. When I had an unexpected chance encounter. I was so disappointed with myself. I was the same broken and defeated person he left all those years ago. I was upset, angry and devastated. I hated this was the image of me he carried. It wasn’t the true me. I am none of those things today. I knew I needed to have a positive encounter, on MY part, to feel good and release my forgiveness. Regardless of how he responded, I needed to be able to communicate without anger, bitterness and tears. Wanting to ‘punish’ him by only allowing him to see my pain, only was hurting me. It was time to show him I was okay. Better than okay. He told me years ago I would be better off without him. Turns out he was right.

I composed a letter thanking him for allowing me to have a life full of love and support with an amazing husband and cherished daughter. He gave me the second chance I needed and I told him I forgave him; my heart was full of gratitude and love with no room for bitterness and revenge.

I had no intention of sending it. I had no address or contact information for him. It was just helpful to get it out on paper and release it from my body. Now, listen closely friends. That very night, THAT VERY NIGHT, I received a message from him. Let that sink in. I haven’t had any contact with him (save that chance encounter) in nearly 10 years and the SAME day I write him a letter in my journal, he contacts me?! To apologize?! Friends, God is amazing. And our intentions are powerful.

It is still unbelievable to me. He learned my married name and sent his message via Facebook Messenger. It was short, but all I needed. I waited a few days to collect my thoughts then replied with my note I had written earlier. I thanked him, expressed my gratitude and wished him well. Now, since I’ve had this positive communication, I don’t fret or have anxiety about running into him. If I do, I’ll be able to smile and be ever so thankful for the life I have now. I count my blessings that God removed me from that pretty terrible situation and surrounded me with love and support to face life’s challenges. I wish that for all of us.