transforming grief

This summer a Noble Circle Sister, Katie, died. While she had cancer for nearly 24 years, it was still so shocking that she actually died. She was, for me, the gold standard of how to thrive and 'beat cancer'. I just assumed she'd live another 20 years.  I NEEDED her to live another 20 years. Because if she did, that would mean I could too. 

You see, it's extraordinarily hard to stay focused on your OWN story when you have cancer.  Someone else's story easily derails you.  It sends you into the depths of fear and the 'what ifs'. 

Katie lived though.  I mean she really lived.  She loved well, served selflessly, laughed a lot and sure saw the world.  She was super smart to boot.  I mean, she had a patent for developing the coating that goes on airplanes that repels lightening.  So, you can thank Katie the next time you fly.  I had such admiration for her. 

While serving lunch to my 5 year old, I asked her if she would help me release my sadness before I went to Katie's memorial service.  We were having our wood floors re-finished and were living out of our living room at the time. Our entire house was in the living room, dining room, kitchen and basement.  I did not find 'camping' in the living room fun (especially when it went on for nearly 3 months), but Gianna was loving it.  We laid on the bed in the living room and imagined we were in the lush, green grass.  I asked her to imagine scooping out all my sadness from my chest and transforming it into love and joy.  We would then put the love and joy into bubbles and blow them to the sky.  When those bubbles were over Katie's house, we'd pop them and hearts would rain down.

She looked at my quizzically, but laid down only to jump up to get 'the perfect thing'. She rummaged through some boxes then climbed back on the bed with her bug catcher, tweezers and a change purse.  She took the oversized tweezers and started plucking the sadness from my chest. She'd pluck and deposit the sadness into the coin purse.  Over and over she did this; "Oh mama! you have a lot of sadness!" Then later, "this coin purse is getting heavy!"  When she felt satisfied that all the sadness was out of my chest, and into the purse, she emptied it into the bug catcher. She shut the lid then shook it to ''stir it up into happiness", she said.  She released the 'bubbles' and laid back down next to me as we watched them float away and burst; raining down hearts over Katie's house.  After a few beats, she cupped my face and asked if I was happy now.  I smiled.  I certainly was lighter.  "I'm feeling much better, love.  Thank you".   I gave her a kiss and she bounded out the door to play with her neighbor friend and I drove to join in honoring and celebrating a beautiful woman who leaves a big void behind.

This past week, I had to transform my grief again and I was reminded of that beautiful moment with Gianna.  A young mother transitioned and her 3 kids and husband are forced to forge a life without her.  With the help of my friend Joe, I had the honor of helping her leave a part of herself behind for her family.  She wanted to record some video messages for each of them.  So earlier this year, we filmed her messages.  It was emotionally grueling.  Her youngest, a daughter, is the same age as Gianna.  We put each video on a thumb drive and I handmade some keepsake boxes that they could be stored in.  I kept hoping they'd never needed to be watched.

I've been a bubble factory this week.  Making bubbles for Katie, for Jaimee, for Amy, for Kim, for Dorothy, for Brad, for my mom.  Friends that are living on earth and friends that are living in heaven.  I can't allow myself to drown in the grief. I have to reframe the grief and release it. Maybe today you need to place some of your grief into bubbles too.  Transform it to love and hope and send those bubbles off to someone you love. Sometimes, it's all we have to offer. 

(Noble Circle is a wonderful organization helping women with all types of cancer thrive beyond diagnosis.  The three pillars include Nutrition Education, Complementary Energy Techniques and Peer Support. Click here for more information)