significant notes

In just a few weeks I will 'celebrate' being three years out from chemo.  I had about a 4 week break before starting radiation.  Radiation for cancer treatment is daily. I would drive to the center every weekday first thing in the morning for six weeks. I remember one morning having to pull over in a neighborhood because I thought I was going to wretch. I don’t know what came over me, but I got out of the car and ran over to a tree, but nothing happened. I climbed back into the car and drove on to the Radiation Center. 

Since it doesn’t take long to become a ‘regular’, I would just walk in and greet everyone and head back to the changing room to undress and put on a hospital gown. I’d then greet the techs in the radiation room and try to hop onto the table gracefully. I usually never succeeded in the graceful part of it. The first thing they do before you even begin radiation is do a mapping appointment. This is where they get all the coordinates necessary to make sure that the radiation is hitting the tumor area and not other important areas, like say, my heart. For 6 weeks I wore these little stickers, with a big X in the middle, in three places on my chest. As you can guess, X marks the spot. So each morning I would lie on the table and they would take a minute or so to line everything up in accordance to these stickers. It was completely unnerving that the techs administering this treatment then leave the room and a steel door closes behind them, leaving me all alone.  Then I’d receive 3 blasts of radiation; one to my right breast (well, where a right breast used to be), one to the lymph nodes under my arm and one to my chest wall/clavicle lymph nodes. I was in and out in under 15 minutes.   

All in all, I handled my cancer treatment pretty well. I was strong heading into chemo because I had begun juicing and radically changed my diet. I also walked daily beginning right after surgery. I had little to no side effects from the radiation. Towards the last week, my skin did begin to resemble a sunburn, but it never really bothered me. I was diligent about moisturizing with aloe and doing what I could to protect my skin. But, it seemed like I was the exception, not the norm. I saw the other patients coming and going and they looked like they were experiencing some rough days.

I wanted to encourage others, so I started leaving anonymous sticky notes on the closet doors in the changing rooms. Notes like:

For beautiful eyes look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. - Audrey Hepburn

Out of difficulties grow miracles. - Jean De La Breyere

Every day may not be great, but there is something great in every day.

When you go through deep waters I will be with you. - Isaiah 43:2

Fearlessness is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the more natural it becomes to no let fear run you.  

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit, because there are footprints on the moon.

May today bring you peace, tranquility and harmony.

Do your best and forget the rest.

Expect great things our of life.  Whenever things get tough, always expect a better tomorrow.

Recipe for health: rest and reflect, eat clean, breathe and meditate, exercise,  surround yourself with social support and laughter.

You are STRONG and healthy!

For some reason, I became embarrassed and nervous that people didn’t like the notes. I thought maybe I was being too pretentious or promoting unwelcome positivity. I didn’t think anyone knew it was me or would even care if I stopped. 

So I stopped.

A few days went by and a staff member called me out on it. She slid up next to me and said, “Patients have been asking what happened to the daily affirmations. They really looked forward to them. It was you, wasn’t it? Just know those notes really meant something to some of the patients. You made a difference in their treatment.” 

Little acts of kindness often have lasting results. I learned something ‘insignificant’ can be really, quite significant. It was such an easy way for me to let other patients know that they are not alone. And that there is always hope. It was the transfer of positive energy from one to another. I needed those things too.  Moreover, I still need these things today.  The start of 2019 has brought me much unexpected anxiety and depression and we are just a week in.  I'll need to double down on my gratitude journal and reflect on events in my past that were difficult but manageable. I made it to the other side in better shape than before. For when I practice gratitude, I’m often reminded of community and all that lies ahead. 

And there is so. much. ahead.