the dangers of being an empath

I can’t stand to see someone cry. Partly because I always end up crying myself and partly because I don’t want to be ‘dragged down’; to take on that grief and sorrow.  It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I realized that’s what we call empathy. The act of feeling what someone is feeling.  Doesn't seem like we talked much about empathy back in the day.  But today it feels more prominent.  Maybe it's because we are exposed so much more to the perils of others. I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters really is that we NEED a degree of empathy. It guides our morals and values and it’s empathy that helps us with the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done to you. 

I see an intuitive reflexologist, Terri, quarterly. She is essential to my wellness team. She said I was an empath. When I looked up the definition it said, “(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.” Pre cancer, I grossly underestimated the mind/body connection. Not anymore. Energy is all around and we must understand how it impacts us. I take exception to the part of the definition in parentheses. It’s not science fiction.  

As long as I can remember I have felt such a heaviness in my chest. Almost like a storm cloud followed me everywhere. I just always felt such sorrow and grief. And I have never understood why. Through college and into my thirties I was on and off anti-depressants in an effort to quell the deep sorrow. Terri began teaching me about empathy. “It’s like you have tentacles attached to your chest. And you are absorbing everyone’s grief, sorrow, sadness and disappointment. You just walk around attached to people and take on their energy. You need to learn how to disconnect that fuel hose and transform that energy; sending it back to its origin. Remaining connected and absorbing others’ bad energy will eventually kill you,” she said. She suggested I take the grief I’m feeling from someone else, transform it to joy, hope or love. Imagine placing the transformed energy into a bubble and sending it to the person. Visualize that bubble bursting over their head and raining down joy and love (you can read about a time when Gianna and I did this exercise here). When I do this, I can empathize, but retain my positive energy and feel a lightness even while saying “I see you. I feel your pain and I understand”. Doing this also absolves me of ‘fixing people'. Empaths often attract broken people. I sure do. By sending positive energy, I can still feel like I am ‘fixing’, but it allows me to walk away and not be stuck. 

I find that social media and the news are just too much for me most days now. My tentacles seem to be tied to the computer.  My 20 year old self would probably be disappointed with my 43 year old self (but hey! my 20 year old self was still typing term papers on a word processor and signing up for her first email account, so what does she know about today's struggles?!).  I was writing my congressmen and senators back then; demanding fairness, equality and non-violence.  I was getting my picture in newspapers from the latest protests I was attending. I was reading all about poverty and racism and women's rights in an effort to be educated.  Like my mother, I was the champion of the underdog.  I suppose because I often felt like the underdog. So I was championing myself, really. And I believed that if I didn't take up another's cross, then I was a guilty oppressor.

Cancer changed this outlook for me.  I have been in self-preservation mode since my diagnosis. I don't have it in me anymore to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. That in and of itself grieves me.  It feels like I'm just looking the other way; not participating in true community.  I'm trying to re-frame that though. I'm just disconnecting the fuel hose for now.  

Grief and sorrow reside in the lungs. If you notice a tight chest or trouble breathing, try visualizing those emotions transformed and sent away. See if you feel a lightness radiate in your chest. Doing these visualizations does not magically make everything better. But it certainly helps to understand and begin the process of transforming those negative emotions into positive emotions. Increasing positive emotions naturally squeezes out negative emotions, so I'm going try to work on bolstering those positive emotions. I've got some work to do.